Happy Valentine's Day, No One! Single this Valentine's Day, and not liking it? Find out if that feeling is more than just normal V-Day related social pressure, or if you're full on scared of being single (applies to you guys in relationships, too!)
I’m always amazed how much research exists on topic that I would have never expected to be scientifically considered. This Valentine’s Day, I wanted to take on another Love-related topic, and I once again found one of these unexpected paper topics: the fear of being single.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I knew it existed. I just didn’t expect it to be an actual thing, you know what I mean?
Probably everyone has thoughts in the directed of being afraid to be without a, or one’s romantic partner - but it has an actual name, and there are research papers on this! But, let’s start at the beginning.
Valentine’s Day is usually considered a day to celebrate love and connection, but while those in happy relationships or happy by themselves associate this day with connection and belonging, for all those who don’t it may reinforce some already existing feelings of loneliness.
Loneliness itself is a universal phenomenon fundamental to being human. We were kind of programmed this way to always look for others around us, so that we can cooperate and coordinate and become more successful as the human race.
This subjective experience is affected by personal factors (Do I have my parents around me? Do I have close friends? Do I have a romantic partner?) but also situational factors (Valentine’s Day and everybody seems to have a Valentine except me! Lockdown and I can’t see my friends who usually made up for not having a partner! And so on…), and, as you already imagined, is related to distress and even pain.
In general, the unmet need for belongingness, i.e. the importance people attach to close relationships with friends, partners and family, is strongly associated with experiences of loneliness.
Especially the lack of a romantic relationship was found to be an important source of loneliness in us young adults, since establishing a close tie with a partner seems to be one of the more important goals at this stage of our life (again, biology has its hand in it again).
Social isolation plays a role in this, too. What a great time to be a young single adult on a Valentine's Day during a pandemic that has us all in social isolation!
But, it’s not that one’s relationship status is the sole predictor for loneliness. It actually rather depends on one’s satisfaction with the own relationship status. Someone who is more satisfied with their single status will indeed feel less lonely than another person who is equally single but less satisfied, or even concerned with this (by the way, relationship status satisfaction can also be applied to people in relationships - some of you married folks might be happier with that than others, who miss their good old days of being “wild and free”).
But let’s get back to that concern about being single - this is what is actually considered the fear of being single. There is is.
Fear of being single (FOBS from now on!) is defined as concern, anxiety, or distress regarding the current or prospective experience of being without a romantic partner.
It is positively related to loneliness and also the need to belong, so that people with a stronger FOBS on average also feel more lonely while they place higher importance on close relationships with friends etc. Relationship status, status satisfaction, the unmet need to belong and the FOBS thus can all impact how lonely we feel this Valentine’s Day.
How do FOBS and one’s relationship status and satisfaction with this relationship relate? As you might assume, a person who is really scared of being single might enter relationships faster and with less consideration, to escape that fear.
This intuition is correct. FOBS tends to be associated with “settling for less” in relationships. For both men and women, a stronger FOBS leads to greater romantic interest in dating potential mates who are less sympathetic and physically attractive. Those with greater FOBS, once in a relationship, are also less likely to break up with a dissatisfying partner.
This was for example tested in a speed or online dating settings, which sounds like fun! You measure the participants FOBS and less how selective their matching strategies are, i.e. measuring the number of (less attractive or unresponsive) people they express interest in.
Despite recognizing that certain targets were less desirable, those who feared being single more wanted to date them anyway. So it’s not like you become less aware of responsiveness or attractiveness, you just care less about it because the fear of being without any partner just becomes stronger.
By the way, attractiveness is usually measured by asking loads of people to rate the attractiveness of some pictures of people they are shown. These pictures are then used for “fake” online dating profiles and compared to the same profile, just with a different picture. If you ever wondered how science measures attractiveness ;)
While FOBS is to a large extent inherent in an individual, there is also about 30% variation of this construct within, not just between people. This means that there is about a 30% chance that I experience a different level of this fear based on my current experience and the context I find myself in at the time the construct is measured.
For example, FOBS increases immediately after a breakup, regardless of who initiated the breakup decision. Researchers also found that consuming more romantic media (e.g., movies or shows in the romantic comedy and drama genres) is associated with stronger FOBS, particularly for single women (actually called the “Bridget Jones Effect" :D). Dang it, I was just about to watch Valentine’s Day with my (also single) friend.
But, be aware, “associated with” can also mean that being with a stronger FOBS also simply watch more romcoms, not necessarily that watching those fuels one’s FOBS. That’s the difference between association and prediction - the order of what comes first :)
Also, on a more positive note (why do my Love articles for Valentine’s Day so far always end up less positively than I intended?!), FOBS does not seem to impair one’s own desirability. During a speed dating study, for example, daters with stronger FOBS were selected by fellow speed daters just as much as less fearful participants. This might be due to the fact that FOBS is not THAT easily recognisable in someone at first glance.
Or, people just don’t mind this fear in a potential mate. I didn’t find prove of either.
So, how do you overcome your fear of being single? Of course, these papers I summarize for you usually don’t offer step-by-step guides on how to do this. As always, if you identify with something I write about in my Blog Posts, and you wish to work on that, you might have to refer to Google (instead of Google Scholar), self-help books and other people’s experiences with some of these issues like irrational behavior, Imposter Syndrome of FOBS.
Most of these are actually based on the research I try to represent, and they offer the hands-on approaches to fixing such thoughts and behaviors you might be looking for.
Here's a suggestion for this week’s topic:
My own, personal tip: Surround yourself with many great friends, and just do all (okay, most :P) of the things you’d do with a partner together with them! I’ve had the best sunset photo shoots, home cooked candlelight dinners and Valentine’s Day dates with my friends (by the way, love you all guys!! xx).
Right now this might be a bit difficult, I admit. But we’ll get through this as well. In a relationship or not this V-Day, both situations have their own unique difficulties and we should check on each other to make sure we’re all getting through this without losing our hope and optimism.
So, everyone, spread some romantic or platonic love this Valentine’s Day and check in on your single friends!
Or, just stay away from all the fuss. After all, it's just another day, right? ;)
Anyways, stay curious ;)
xx
Valli
Sources:
Adamczyk, K. (2018). Direct and indirect effects of relationship status through unmet need to belong and fear of being single on young adults' romantic loneliness.
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation.
Pretty much all articles by Stephanie Spielmann, e.g.:
Spielmann, S. S., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J. A., Joel, S., Peragine, D., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2013). Settling for less out of fear of being single.